My Pleasure: Why I’m Attracted to Assholes

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Men always seem to be saying that “nice guys finish last,” and while I’m not interested in re-opening the long debate on that because I can only speak for myself, I do want to talk about why I’m attracted to guys who act like “assholes.” I put the term in quotations because when I refer to someone as an asshole, I don’t mean that they’re actually a rude piece of shit – It’s a way of me saying that they come off as confident, blunt and driven in getting what they want. They don’t tiptoe around people or situations when it comes to speaking or acting, and in turn come off as an asshole just like women come off as “bitches.”

I used to be worried about coming off as a bitch, but the older I get the more I realize the double standard. Men who do and say what they want are seen as sexy, but women who act the same way are often seen as the opposite. The other day my roommate told me that sometimes the way I word things makes me sound bossy – and I don’t disagree. At the time, I was getting him to drive our friend to work because he slept in and would’ve gotten fired if he hadn’t made it in on time. My roommate told him that if it wasn’t for me he wouldn’t be driving him, so I feel that my pushiness got the job done.

One of my guy friend’s recently joked that I’m going to make some man really miserable someday, and I’ve even been told in bed by a guy that he felt like he was ordering him around (how else is he supposed to learn what I like if I don’t tell him?) – so you can imagine that the kind of people I find attractive are those who aren’t scared to disagree with me. I’m not the type of person who’s going to keep my opinions to myself and I want to be with someone who is equally as opinionated. I may be a big control freak, but nothing turns me on more than someone who likes to take control of a situation and allows me to give up some power.

But that isn’t to say that I like people who don’t have concern for my feelings. Jokingly picking on each other or play fighting is something my past lovers have done with me often, but if someone were actually demeaning or violent towards me in a serious way, such as telling me that women belong in the kitchen or holding me down during sex when I didn’t want them to, I would have a big problem with that. There’s a difference between acting like an asshole and being an asshole.

For example, I’ve been sleeping with the friend who I had my roommate drive to work, and I find him super attractive, not only because he’s a plaid/beanie/beard-wearing kind of guy who can literally build a house with his bare hands, but because he speaks confidently about his opinions and isn’t afraid to put me in my place when I’m wrong. And when I say he “isn’t afraid to put me in my place,” I don’t mean he’s mean about it – rather he isn’t afraid to challenge my opinions and teach me something. He backs up his thoughts instead of just throwing them out there to hear himself speak and builds onto the conversation to create a dialogue – and that dialogue is what attracts me the most. A good conversation includes elements that create passionate discussion by getting under someone’s skin. And when someone can get under my skin, I’m invested.

In a way, you could say he’s a nice guy who acts like an asshole – metaphorically speaking, a sheep in wolf’s clothing. When you get to know him, you see that he’s a sensitive guy who just wants to be loved like we all do, but he holds this confidence that he’s going to do and say what he wants instead of agreeing with me just to keep me interested. He’s a challenge, and in that sense I don’t think there’s anything wrong with saying that nice guys finish last. Nobody wants to be involved with someone who’s agreeing with everything you’re saying. Whether it’s a conversation or a date or a relationship, constantly being challenged in terms of whit and intelligence and patience is what keeps lust alive.

In no way am I saying that people should act like douchebags to get women. I’m simply saying from my personal experience that because I’m a strong-headed person I prefer to be with strong-headed people as well. These are the types of people you might term an asshole or you might not depending on your definition. But since I’m attracted to someone who’s confident and blunt and driven in what they want, chances are I’m going to grab their ass, kiss them and tell them they’re an asshole.

Are you attracted to guys who act like “assholes,” or do you disagree with me? Let me know in the comments below.


My Pleasure: My Sex Addiction Was Published in a UK Magazine

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A few months ago I was interviewed about sex addiction for Grazia Magazine. The article was out in print this week, and it was my first time being acknowledged in a publication outside my hometown where I didn’t write the story. Reading the PFD they sent me was bittersweet because although I’m pleased to have a story written about me in one of the largest magazines in the world, the subject isn’t the most flattering. As well, it’s difficult for me to let go of control and be the one who’s not writing about my life. But at the same time, I allowed myself to be interviewed because I wanted to be a voice for other young women who are struggling with the same thing. There are so many of us out there – in fact, I recently met one the other day.

The woman I met is still in high school, but we already have so much in common. She reminds me of myself when I was her age, and it makes me remember why I started writing about my life in the first place – to help young women like her so that they don’t feel alone like I did growing up. She told me about how she was taken advantage of during her first time having sex with someone, and afterwards she had sex with a lot of people because she felt like in that way she would be taking the power back. Her parents are overprotective to the point of abusive, and her struggles with mental illness brought her to the psych ward. I really feel for her, and I wouldn’t wish a sex addiction on anyone – so I hope my article is more than just a light read for bored minds and instead educates people about what happens to young women who are trying to fill a void that was instilled in them involuntarily.

After my article was published, I noticed a few things that I didn’t catch when they read it out to me before they sent it to print. There’s a lot they got right as well, but I wanted to clear up a few things here:

-First of all, I’m 24, not 25.

-The sexually transmitted disease (more recently known as sexually transmitted infection) I received is HPV, something that most people have and don’t know they have. You can obtain it from wearing a condom, so it doesn’t matter how many people you have sex with.

-When I went to Sex Addicts Anonymous, I wasn’t distracted by the potential for sex because there were men around me. I had absolutely no desire to have sex with the old men who attended the meetings. I simply hated the idea that I needed to be there, and I felt like running away and having sex to feel better.

-I didn’t pick up men in bars. I thought about it lots, but I only went home with someone from a bar one time, and I’ve realized I’m not the type of person who can have one night stands with someone I don’t know.

- I wasn’t seducing men daily – but I appreciate the embellishment to make me sound like a badass.

The Sun in the UK has since contacted me for an interview for an article researching sex addiction, and I’m excited to continue my journey as a voice for women who struggle with it. I just hope that my participation in the discussion is valued by society as something we need to understand better rather than someone else to prey on to make ourselves feel better. We have a tendency to look at people who have issues we don’t share as those to feel sorry for or laugh or overlook, and we should instead listen to become more educated so that we can create real change in society.

So in case you haven’t read my previous posts and are wondering what exactly is a sex addiction: In my words, it’s when you use it just like a drug to feel better about yourself. It’s when your worth becomes based on whether or not someone wants you. It’s when all you think about is who you can make want you next. But by working on your self-worth and realizing that you can get it without sex – just like someone who gets it from alcohol, food, exercise, etc – you can learn to fight the urges when you feel lonely, stressed or just bored.

Recently I was with a guy who I was intimate with but turned down having sex with – if you call intercourse the only form of sex there is. And lately even though I’ve felt lonely, I haven’t had the urge to fill the void with sex. I know that I can get intimacy by spending time with friends, even cuddling them, and I don’t need to have sex with anyone to feel better about myself. That part of me is reserved for those I care about – especially now that I realize how easily it is to get an STI. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a one night stand, but just like those who can’t just have one drink, I know if I were to have sex with someone I would get hooked – and if I’m going to, it’d better be worth it.


My Pleasure: How to Stick to Your Sobriety as a Sex Addict

photo 3Because my landlord was taking back the house I was renting in Vancouver, I recently moved to my hometown for the month to save some money and visit old friends before renting another place out there. Instead of moving back in with my parents and most definitely dealing with conflict, I decided to stay at my friend’s place. While it’s been great to hang out with everyone again – I didn’t realize how lonely I was in Vancouver until I came back home – I felt after a week of straight partying that the reasons I had run away to the promised land were back around me.

Drinking = sex addiction = slowly spending less time on my health and my career. None of my issues are my friends’ fault, and I have a great support system in them where I know they would encourage me to do what’s best for my health. However, being back in a world where I’m used to getting drunk and in turn looking to get laid has reminded me of the reason I decided to go where I’ve never been before and where I don’t know anyone. Basically, I had decided to close myself off so I could perform a kind of do-it-yourself rehab and become sexually celibate. However, old issues surface when you’re in familiar circumstances. People who think they’re better tend to realize rather quickly that the things they’ve been running from were always lurking in the dark the whole time. And so, I’m forced to re-examine what I’ve been running from.

As much as I would love to hide away on an island where there are no temptations, doing so is both unhealthy and impossible. If I want to see my friends and they’re drinking, I don’t need to drink also. I know that when I have a few drinks I have a tendency to make bad decisions I don’t want to, such as sleeping with people I don’t want to sleep with. To be clear, it’s not because of the alcohol –I could definitely do the same thing sober – but the alcohol takes away my ability to rationalize, as well as the guilt that I shouldn’t be sleeping with that person. It doesn’t matter if I’m visiting old friends or making new ones – I’m going to go through the same predicament either way, so it’s good that I got this out of the way now. But like any addict, I’m just struggling with how to solve it on my own.

I’ve been to Sex Addict Anonymous before, but being around a bunch of old men while talking about a higher power isn’t exactly my thing. My sponsor was very tough-love, which is another thing I don’t deal with well. I know these things sound like poor excuses, but I would be much more willing to go to a meeting if it were filled with understanding women who also had the same issues rather than reading a textbook with people who I have little in common with. While living in solitude isn’t necessarily the answer, I know that being in an environment around my parents, who have been emotionally abusive in the past, isn’t the right place for me while I get my shit together. And I also know being around friends who are supportive of my lifestyle but living one I want to get away from isn’t the best situation for me either. I’m stoked to be around people I love, but I’m starting to feel like I’m out of control again and it’s scaring me.

I guess the answer towards maintaining sobriety is to give myself what I need. That starts with a place that I feel I can stay sober in. At the end of the month I’ll be going back to Vancouver to lease out my friend’s place, and while at this time I can’t control who my friend brings over at his place, I can stay at my parents’ place if I need to be alone. I can go to a café if I need to get work done, and I should finish it before I go hang out with friends. What it comes down to is willpower – but for an addict, willpower doesn’t come without putting yourself in a situation where you feel safe enough to stick to that willpower. There are alcoholics who are able to be around drinking and not drink, and there are those who aren’t able to be around it at all. While I’m not an alcoholic, alcohol is something that lessons my willpower, so limiting my drinking is a good idea while I’m hanging out with friends. Finally, if I feel like I’m out of control, I should call someone who’s supportive in order to talk through my feelings and let them pass.

I’m excited to see everyone while I’m in my hometown, I just have to remember why I decided to leave it in the first place and stick to my plan. I want to live somewhere I feel is the best for my health and my career, and health-conscious, business-oriented Vancouver has a lot more for me than my small hometown, as much as I love all the people in it. I’m not naïve in the sense that I think it’s going to cure my issues with sex addiction, but at this point in my life I know that being there has already made me feel like a completely different person, and this person I’m reverting back to isn’t someone I like.


My Pleasure: How to Get a Straight Woman

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Recently I went out with some friends that I haven’t seen since I took off to Vancouver. We’ve been catching up at our favourite watering holes, and one of them included a bar on Whyte Ave. I’ve been bummed because I’ve been missing the touch of a woman, and since I have a difficult time finding women in Vancouver – which has a large LGBT population – I didn’t think I’d meet anyone in my home town where there’s barely more than one gay bar that isn’t closing down. I especially didn’t think I’d pick up a straight one from a non-gay bar.

Maybe it was the way I was dressed – not to say that there is a specific way women who like women should dress. However, from my limited experience meeting lesbians, I’ve noticed the trend that if they’re a little more androgynous looking, chances are they’re on your team. She might have picked up on this social cue by my blue-jean shirt and leather vest.

Or maybe she just really hated men at the time and was in the mood to kiss a woman.

As I walked into the bathroom to empty my bladder after a few too many shots, a voice from the stall asked me why men suck so much, in so many words. I looked around, and as I didn’t see anyone else, asked if she was speaking to me. She was, and when she came out of the bathroom I continued to listen to her talk about how she felt like some guy was using her for her money because she worked up north on the oil rigs. Clearly she was lonely and wanted a woman to talk to. And since I’d spent the past three days hanging out with too much testosterone, I took it.

“I’ll be your sugar momma,” she said, handing me a wad of cash to buy a couple drinks.

The rest of the night I listened to her at the bar, telling her she was beautiful and lightly touching her back and thigh as we talked. Admittedly, I was a little more handsy than I usually am when I’m sober. She asked if she could kiss me, and told me she’s never been with a woman. Then she asked me if I wanted to go outside for a smoke.

Suddenly she pulled me against her towards the brick wall, and we made out like she was actually into women. My hands wandered over her breasts and her hips, and I longed for hers to wander underneath my tights – but as my wish came true, I worried about her fake nails meeting the narrow wall of my vagina.
“I’ve never been so attracted to a woman before,” she said, stopping.

Her body language told me she wanted me, and I had downed enough drinks to almost have the audacity to fuck her in the corner beside the bar, even with the number of men around. But then she grabbed my hand and told me she wanted me to come back to her hotel.

Earlier that night I had met her two male co-workers, and one of them didn’t seem very happy about me being physical with her. “He likes me,” she told me afterwards. Going back to their room was tempting, but I know better than to put myself in a situation where I would be in a random hotel with random people. So I took her name and number and we parted ways, knowing we probably wouldn’t see each other again.

However, I’m confident I would have shown her how much she really doesn’t need men.

Having been hit on by a straight woman as someone who now knows she’s not straight is definitely one of the hottest things I’ve experienced. I say that because I’ve made out with a few straight women in the past, but it’s a totally different feeling when you know you’re really attracted to them.

Picking up a straight woman is the biggest challenge there is, and it feels good to know that they came to you first. If you’re looking for a one-night stand, it’s a good choice because there’s no-commitment factor since they’re into men – however you never know if they’ll turn out to want more, or if you will as well. However, I’m not sure the gamble is worth it.

If you’re interested in a straight woman, know that there’s a good chance nothing will come of it other than sex, if it even gets that far. But from my limited experience of being with them, there are some do’s and don’ts that can give you a better chance:

Do Be a Good Listener

Since you’re a woman, you probably know that most of the time we just want someone to listen to us. Being that person for someone is a great way for them to build trust around you. If you just met them in a bar, you won’t have a lot of room to talk, but by making simple conversation and being interested in what they have to say you’ll be taking the first step towards connecting with them.

Do Make it Known You Think They’re Attractive

I don’t mean hit on them continuously – you don’t want to make them uncomfortable. But if you have a chance at getting anywhere with them, they need to know you think they’re attractive in a way that’s more than you wanting to know where they bought their shoes. Tell them know they’re beautiful and play on whatever attribute of theirs that comes from a genuine place and doesn’t sound creepy.

Don’t Take Advantage of Them.

Just because you’re a woman doesn’t mean you can’t take advantage of another woman. If you’re both on the same page, then you have the green light to go there. But if they’re clearly too drunk to make a proper decision, don’t push them into a situation where they might not be into if they were sober. Use small social cues like lightly touching them in appropriate areas and see how they react.

Don’t be a Cockblocker

You might be so into a straight woman that you have tunnel vision, but remember that it doesn’t give you the right to swoop in on someone else’s game. Maybe there’s a guy who is already trying to get with her, or maybe she even has a boyfriend. Be courteous and make sure the coast is clear as much as you can before trying to take her over to your team. Simply asking if she has a boyfriend and who she came with will do. You can’t be responsible for what you don’t know.

Straight women are definitely the forbidden fruit, but remember that even though it’s fun to try, they’re straight for a reason and no matter how much alcohol they’ve had nothing will change that. Remember to be respectful, not to take advantage and if you have the green light, have a good time without expecting more.


My Pleasure: Why I Put So Much Pressure on Relationships With People

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Vancouver I met the most amazing woman during my time in Vancouver. Maybe it’s just because everyone puts pressure on their first – in this case, my first time dating a woman – but my first time dating a man really doesn’t measure up. I’m not going to say seeing her was more intimate than seeing a man, but I’ve never had that kind of connection with anyone before. What it comes down to is how emotionally supported she made me feel.

During my time spent with this woman, I felt the most understood I ever have in my life. There was open and constant communication, and she reiterated that she would be there if I needed her. We took it slow physically, and for the first time I got butterflies thinking about just holding somebody’s hand. Another first was that I didn’t feel like I needed sex to fill the void. Just being with her was enough to feel safe because she made me feel like I could rely on her fully. And this was a big thing for someone who felt like she couldn’t rely on anybody.

Now that we’re friends, I’m having some trouble adjusting to the change in dynamic. While I love her dearly as a person and I’m fine with being just friends, I’m finding that the way she responds to me has changed and that I don’t feel as though I can rely on her as much as I used to. It’s really scary and hard to get used to receiving delayed, short texts when you’re used to receiving quick, long-thought out texts, all day every day. That might seem like the natural process of going from lovers to friends, but it’s even more heartbreaking than not sleeping with someone to have the way you communicate with someone change. At least for me.

I guess I thought that because she was a woman things would stay the same, we just wouldn’t sleep together.

So when I blew up after a couple days of short answers, terrified that she wasn’t going to be that person I could talk to anymore, we had a heart to heart. There was lots of crying on my part. And I realized some things.

The few friendships I’ve had with females over the years have been intense. For example, growing up I had a best friend that would call me after school, and we would talk for hours. But when I was going through a tough time because of my then undiagnosed PMDD and horrible mood-swings, she cut off the friendship. I had been there for her all those times after school, but she couldn’t be there for me at my worst. She called me clingy and told me she needed space, and I sobbed on the patio in the sun like someone had just broken my heart. Since then I’ve been scared to get close to females.

And that’s how I feel now. I could wrap my head around not sleeping together, but not texting all the time like we used to became a devastating thought. Why? Because it takes me a lot to open up to someone, and when I do and I get used to them being there, I trust them to be there for me in the future. And when they’re busy and don’t answer my texts right away or at all, it makes me feel like they don’t care and won’t be there for me anymore.

But she explained to me that just because she’s busy and doesn’t text me all the time like she did when we were seeing each other doesn’t mean she doesn’t care for me now and won’t be there for me if I need her.

She also explained that because I didn’t get the love I needed from my parents, I put too much pressure on the relationships in my life, whether they’re romantic relationships or just platonic.

Before I moved out here, I was a really emotional person because of my PMDD. My hormones intensified everything, especially my relationships and how I treated my friends and partners when I thought they weren’t there for me. But as my ex-lover says, people can’t read my mind, and I have a tendency to expect people to know what I need from them. I don’t like to ask for help. And so when I’m hormonal and I feel alone, I feel like people let me down when they have no idea that’s what they’re doing.

Since I’ve started eating healthier and exercising, my hormones have become more regulated and I’ve become a more rational and patient person. This helped me to think about my responses during texting more, so I wasn’t as reactive as I had been in the past. Now that I’m off the pill and my hormones are out of wack again, I’m noticing that I’m going back to how I’ve previously treated lovers and friends – curt and expectant. I’m working on not only regulating my hormones but working through my feelings to change why I put so much pressure on people.

Part of me feels like closing myself off again so I don’t hurt anyone – which is what I was doing before I met the woman I was seeing. I came to Vancouver to shut myself away from people and work on myself, and being with her opened up a lot of feelings I hadn’t wanted to unleash. Even though I know she’s still there for me, I’m scared of pushing it too far now that we’re just friends. Because it’s a very real possibility.

And all I want to do is go out, drink and find someone else to focus my attention on.

But the answer towards healing, I guess, is working on myself and regulating my hormones again. Not to mention rebuilding the friendships I’ve previously pushed away or mistreated due to putting too much pressure on them.

And since I’m leaving at the end of the week to go visit my friends, it would appear now is the perfect time to remember how many people really are there for me.


My Pleasure: Why I Had the Best One Night Stand Ever

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I recently went out with a couple friends for drinks, despite being too broke to pay for them. The girl I was seeing, who I’m just friends with now, asked me to come out and even offered to buy me a couple beers, and I figured I wouldn’t turn down a bevvie if a stranger offered me one as well. Typically I don’t let strangers buy me drinks because 1) I’m a feminist and I can buy my own drinks, dammit! 2) I don’t want to give them the wrong idea. But the other night I was in one of those places where I was tired of being depressed and lying around, and I just wanted to go out, get drunk and meet someone.

So for the first time in four months, I put on my knee-high heels and trekked down the bumpy Vancouver concrete.

After some convincing, I urged my two lesbian friends to choose a mixed bar, because I have more of an edge flirting with men than I do with women. We chose the Cambie Hostel. After sitting down at the bar and getting a few beers, they elbowed me towards the small, Spanish man getting a drink beside me because he was the same height as me. We talked for a while, and I let him buy me another beer. I chatted up his English friend and was happy meeting new people and making small talk – usually I hate it. But then I was in the predicament of losing him because I wasn’t interested and prolonging our conversation was only going to make things awkward.

When I looked beside me, I caught eyes with this tall, dark-haired man – who turned out to be wearing ridiculous faux gold chains from a karaoke-night-getup – and everything just fell into place. I used the chains to make conversation, my friend yelled that I was being an asshole towards the Spanish man and I followed the guy with the beautiful eyes back to his table.

You know those moments when you look into someone’s eyes and you just know they’re something special? I hate to sound fucking corny as all hell, but I knew then that I was supposed to meet him. We shared a shot of tequila and a great conversation over some really loud music, and then something happened that I never ever do – I went back to his place. With my friends, of course.

My first reaction was that dude had a big house – it was falling apart, which made it very 20-something-party-esque. There were buckets to catch leaks in the ceiling, art painted right on the wall, a guitar and drum set-up in the living room beside a random bike and a paper machete cat in the kitchen. Somebody handed me a plate of roast beef and spinach, and we hung out and listened to hip hop tunes while jamming out on instruments.

At the end of the night when my friends were going home, he said I could stay and he’d walk me in the morning. His friend even made the sofa bed for me. I didn’t feel pressured or anything to sleep with him – which made me want to sleep with him even more.

I used the cliché move of asking him for a tour, and when we got to his room, I sat down on his queen size bed, admiring how much nicer it was than my single. He leaned in to kiss me, and the rest of the night involved moaning into a pillow and the enjoyment of being the recipient of a biter. He was very enthusiastic about eating me out, and even better, he didn’t make any hesitation to use condoms.

This was my first time picking someone up at the bar, and I’m happy to say it went pretty well. But to be honest, one night stands really aren’t thing. I’ll never enjoy a random encounter more than the intimacy of actually knowing someone you’re sleeping with. While it was fun and he was hot, I have no doubt it would have been better if we knew each other better, including each other’s body language, how we like to be kissed, etc.

When morning came, I felt out of place. Was I supposed to leave right away? What was the protocol? Did he do this a lot? I told him that night that I’d never done this before, and he didn’t say much in response, so I assume he has a few times – not that it bothers me. I didn’t expect a relationship or anything. But he was incredibly kind and relaxed, and even told me I could stay and sleep when he had to run out early in the morning to help his family move for a couple hours. When he came back, he showered and we slept longer, had sex again, and then he said he was going to make bacon and eggs.

He even told me I could use his toothbrush. Nobody does that.

On the way home, the dark-haired stranger brought me to a park near his house – which was difficult to navigate in boots because it was up a hill – and it was really fucking beautiful. Then he walked me all the way home – which was pretty close to my house actually, but he also lived by a bus stop.

I found out that he has a great vocabulary, is a filmmaker and is really passionate about music, art and human rights. I really enjoyed talking to him and would have loved to see him again, but at this point I still wasn’t sure what the protocol was. But he ended up writing his name and number down for me before he left my house, and even asked what our dogs’ names were.

A couple hours later he added me on Facebook and messaged me the next day saying we should go sightseeing again soon.

I hope we actually go sightseeing, but if not he’ll always be the best one night stand I ever had. Maybe because it didn’t feel much like a one night stand at all.


My Pleasure: Heartbreak, Hormones and Hornyness

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The other week I took a break from posting because I was dealing with a lot of shit. First, I decided to go off the birth control pill for the first time in 7 years and was dealing with brutal withdrawal symptoms that are the equivalent of my regular PMDD symptoms. At the same time, the woman I was seeing decided we should just be friends and I was avoiding my feelings about it while trying to stay sane. And finally, I was offered a long-term freelance contract that was perfect to distract me from my feelings but at the same time was awful timing considering I had finally regulated my hormones through diet for the last 3 months and going off the pill had ruined all that work in 3 days. On top of that, I was working on finishing the spring issue for the magazine I run. So I apologize for the dead air last week, but I’m back and ready to talk to you about my dating life.

When you first become polyamorous with someone, it may seem like a good idea at the time, but it definitely takes work despite how well it sounds and how much you talk about it beforehand. After I told her that I slept with someone else, the woman I was seeing decided it would be best if we stopped sleeping together and remained friends. She had been working towards wanting to be exclusive with me and didn’t know how to open herself up to me again, not to mention sleep with me, and it was killing me that we didn’t have the same connection as before. For a while after I signed my new contract I continued talking to her like nothing had changed because I didn’t have time to process my feelings, but when I finally had time to think about it I began to go through the symptoms of heartbreak – denial, depression, anger, jealousy, acceptance.

Even though we had only dated about a month, being with this woman provided an intense connection I never felt before with a man or anyone in general. We went back and forth supporting each other through the roller-coaster that is living with a mental illness, and for the first time in my life, I was stable enough to really be there for someone else. I liked being a support system for her – something I’m usually on the opposite side of. But now that we weren’t dating, she started becoming distant about her feelings and we didn’t have the same connection that we had before. I felt like I had lost a part of myself that grew from not only being able to open up to her fully but to feel understood, and the loss created a whirlwind of emotions exacerbated by my unregulated hormones.

This weekend I stayed in to take care of myself and finish the magazine, but at the same time I found myself getting jealous of her going out and having fun when I was staying in and feeling like shit. I was resentful that she seemed to not care about our change in dynamic – but now I know people deal with heartbreak differently and going out doesn’t mean they’re okay – and I became really angry towards her. I was angry that I opened up to her in the first place, because it’s hard for me to do so. I was angry that I lost that connection with her over something I didn’t even need to do. And I was angry that this was the second situation within a year where the other person I was seeing decided just to be friends. A couple days after going on a cleanse and having worked on my new contract, I suddenly started to become self-destructive and wanting to find someone to take my mind off her. But because we were still friends and she’s been my support system for much of my recovery, I told her I was feeling like I was going to relapse from my sex addiction and she met up with me.

After someone handed us free drink tickets to a bar, she decided we should check it out. A bar was the last place I wanted to be, but after we talked it over the bass for the first time since becoming just friends, I decided it was time to have some fun with her and stop over-thinking everything. So we drank, and danced, and for the first time in a while we just had fun together without thinking about the status of our relationship. She told me that she wanted me to come over later and cuddle, and we discussed how we didn’t want to analyze everything and just see what happens down the road. I was finally feeling good about things and even busting out some pretty rad dance moved when I came back from the bathroom and saw a woman hitting on her at the bar. Even though we weren’t in a monogamous relationship, it still hurt to see her with someone else, especially in my emotional state. But after a good conversation in the bathroom of her apologizing because she didn’t mean to disrespect me and remembering a previous conversation about potentially having a threesome down the road, I offered up the idea of taking her home with us. So we approached the woman at the bar, who instantly said, “I can’t,” and very persistently kept hitting on her despite her turning her down.

At the end of the night, I had ruined my cleanse with Cosmos and a free hot dog, and we went home together to fuck like we never have before.

I don’t know where things stand now or where they will in the future, but we’ve established that we love each other, want to support each other and are wildly attracted to each other. I’ve recently bought health foods to help regulate my hormones and my health and our connection is slowly getting back to how it was. I’m getting steady work with my contract and am hopeful that as long as I’m consistently taking care of myself things will progress. I’m a firm believer that as long as you take care of yourself everything else will follow.


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